Saturday, March 27, 2010

i hate when I feel awkward

I rather just swallow thoughts in and avoid talking to people, because the thought of confronting people other always makes me feel so uncomfortable and awkward inside. I'm not sure where this fear of confrontation came from, but it has always been there.

That's why I had my very very very brief "cutting" stint back in middle school. But, luckily, I stopped real quick because I was too afraid of the pain that would ensue from cutting. Just because I felt mistreated as a friend. So foolish, right? Yes.

I can't believe I only thought of myself in these past incidents. I should've realized the bigger picture. I'm really sorry.

what the fuck am i suppose to do

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

breaking the habit

For some strange reason, this song has always given me comfort whenever I was upset or down. Somehow, this song tranquilized my unhappiness. As I was attempting calculus homework, this was the only song I wanted to listen to.

I always found this song somewhat interesting. This is one of those songs that had lyrics that I actually paid attention to. From the first time I heard it, I naturally assumed that the "habit" this song was referring to cutting. The lyrics corroborated this hypothesis. It never dawned on me till a a while ago that this song was actually about drug abuse. The thought simply never entered my mind.

Even if I'm not really influencing my own beliefs to someone else, I think I might be showing what Dr. Sutro calls "projection". Maybe I always just believed this song was about cutting because that's what I wanted the song to be about. I realize that statement sounded completely freaky and emo, but by coming to this conclusion, I think I've found the reason why I listen to this song so very often when I'm upset.

Thinking in retrospect, I usually listened to this when I had an argument with my mom, or if some other family problem was going on. I never turned to this song when I was angry but I just ended up ranting to someone.

Now going further into my conclusion, I think listening to this song is my version of "cutting". It's the closest thing I've got to it, without cutting itself. Whenever I'm in a shitty mood, I always pondered the possibility of cutting, but never could man up to do such a ..task. I did have a brief stint when I cut myself in middle school. But this way of cutting was basically making a very, very slight depression in my arm with one of those mail open-ers. If it weren't for postsecret, I would have never guessed that people used that as a tool.

Great. I now don't know how to end this. Meh. Well, I suppose this method of not harming myself is pretty effective. I mean, I've never sliced my arm, but that's just because I'm too scared of the pain. But I just don't know. I know I wouldn't, but I become more curious each and every time I feel shitty. I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit mentally. My mom always disappointedly lectures me about how she hates that I don't open enough to her. I would, if I knew she could show empathy and understand where I'm coming from.