i don't want to complain. i don't want to seem like i'm so dependent. i don't want to come across as being too silly. i don't want to be so concerned. i don't want to seem weak.

why am I being so silly.

new marchers camp

being a bass trombone sucks as of now. It's so heavy for my weak arms. ]:

After new marchers camp, Jane was saying how during practice today she just thought of herself "I cannot believe I chose to do this for the band season. I'm stuck with this forever"

And though yes, I did choose to be a trombone, I did not sign up to be a bass trombone. I really don't know what the section leaders see in me, or if they just want to torture and make me work harder but meh I just really don't see the reasoning in why I of all people the noobs had to be stuck with a bass trombone.

It's not like my talents of playing low notes are God-send or anything.

ugh I don't know why I'm tripping balls so much over this but it just stinks. I really needa suck it up soon because I realize I can't complain this whole season but as of now

fuckkk

asb

I can't say I'm not disappointed because I am. I knew I should've worked harder but my pride got in the way. Everyone told me I had nothing to worry about, and I believed them. I realize I could've campaigned harder, but I didn't think he was doing a lot, so I didn't either. Look how wrong I was.

Losing is never fun, especially when a I know that I had a high chance of winning.

Ugh. I just feel...I don't know.

I can still clearly imagine Kayla beginning her introduction of the new Activities Commissioner. I had my head on Brian's shoulder, with my eyes closed, and Andrew Yeh's name is called. Her voice still rings in my head like an annoying bell.

I'm trying to find the silver lining but I can't. Before the results came out, I thought I wouldn't mind losing, but now that I lost, I feel incredibly different. Only when I lost did I realize how much I wanted to be a part of ASB. Yes, I won't have to see Tung everyday, but I was willing to overcome my dislike for him. I really wanted to be in ASB. I wanted to integrate myself into the student body for my last year in high school and I thought ASB would elevate my understanding and interaction with the school. I wanted to mend the somewhat frayed relationship of ASB and FBLA.

I'm so butt hurt and it's so stupid. I know it's stupid. I really need to get over myself. I'm glad no one came up to me to ask me if I were okay because I know I would've cried. I almost did when Alan and Josh walked over when I was on the phone with Wilson. LOL fuck. awkward mang. I hate crying in front of others. I feel so helpless and weak. hate that shit forsureeeeee.

Yesterday was just a total mindfuck. So many people I thought would win, lost.

fuck.

I just wanna scream.

I'm sorry

I really am.

But if Justine is right, I cannot help but feel slightly hurt by how you approached this situation.

I am confused and taken aback.

I need help and reevaluation of how I approach situations and friendships.

I feel torn and upset.

Can this fully be fixed?

Will this situation get better?

Can I just runaway from this problem.

i hate when I feel awkward

I rather just swallow thoughts in and avoid talking to people, because the thought of confronting people other always makes me feel so uncomfortable and awkward inside. I'm not sure where this fear of confrontation came from, but it has always been there.

That's why I had my very very very brief "cutting" stint back in middle school. But, luckily, I stopped real quick because I was too afraid of the pain that would ensue from cutting. Just because I felt mistreated as a friend. So foolish, right? Yes.

I can't believe I only thought of myself in these past incidents. I should've realized the bigger picture. I'm really sorry.

what the fuck am i suppose to do

breaking the habit

For some strange reason, this song has always given me comfort whenever I was upset or down. Somehow, this song tranquilized my unhappiness. As I was attempting calculus homework, this was the only song I wanted to listen to.

I always found this song somewhat interesting. This is one of those songs that had lyrics that I actually paid attention to. From the first time I heard it, I naturally assumed that the "habit" this song was referring to cutting. The lyrics corroborated this hypothesis. It never dawned on me till a a while ago that this song was actually about drug abuse. The thought simply never entered my mind.

Even if I'm not really influencing my own beliefs to someone else, I think I might be showing what Dr. Sutro calls "projection". Maybe I always just believed this song was about cutting because that's what I wanted the song to be about. I realize that statement sounded completely freaky and emo, but by coming to this conclusion, I think I've found the reason why I listen to this song so very often when I'm upset.

Thinking in retrospect, I usually listened to this when I had an argument with my mom, or if some other family problem was going on. I never turned to this song when I was angry but I just ended up ranting to someone.

Now going further into my conclusion, I think listening to this song is my version of "cutting". It's the closest thing I've got to it, without cutting itself. Whenever I'm in a shitty mood, I always pondered the possibility of cutting, but never could man up to do such a ..task. I did have a brief stint when I cut myself in middle school. But this way of cutting was basically making a very, very slight depression in my arm with one of those mail open-ers. If it weren't for postsecret, I would have never guessed that people used that as a tool.

Great. I now don't know how to end this. Meh. Well, I suppose this method of not harming myself is pretty effective. I mean, I've never sliced my arm, but that's just because I'm too scared of the pain. But I just don't know. I know I wouldn't, but I become more curious each and every time I feel shitty. I feel like I'm being pushed to the limit mentally. My mom always disappointedly lectures me about how she hates that I don't open enough to her. I would, if I knew she could show empathy and understand where I'm coming from.

why am I weak.

failure

Junior year

Becoming greater friends with you has brought much enjoyment and pleasure this year. However, I sometimes feel like I can't be your friend. I know this problem shouldn't lead to this, and it most cases it wouldn't, but after hearing and seeing all this stuff, I really don't think I can be both your friend and hers. I don't know why I'm letting your guys' problem affect how I view you both. She has become so much more sad and angry this year, and maybe you're not a good enough of a friend to see it, but I can. I can see she's hurt, and if you even cared remotely, you would just know to back off.

I can't help but point the finger when I see she's sad. I'm at a point where I don't even know how to help her. I even get frustrated at her for just being so... foolish.

Howard always tells me to reflect on the past, thinking of all the whatifs, but... I honestly can imagine this year being much more lax if this didn't happen. Or, if I wasn't involved, but the latter suggestion would be too unreasonable.

Disliking you would be so much easier. But I can't. You're still my friend. I guess my views are still biased because I've mostly only heard one side of this whole dilemna. However, I can't dismiss the repeated times you've proved you weren't worthy of your friendship with her.

Just stop.

what does beating around the bush mean?

7:36 PM

like implying things but not really getting to the point

7:36 PM

like i always do these nice things

7:36 PM

and treat you right

7:36 PM

and make you laugh

7:36 PM

but i don't actually tell you the truth that i love you wand i want to be with you

7:36 PM

i never actually tell you that you're the most important girl to me in the whole world

7:36 PM

but i imply it through talking to you frequently

7:37 PM

and making you happy

7:37 PM

beating around the bush you know

I'm sorry.

WHAT THE HELL DO I DO

: man

: in all honesty

: i was so sure

: i just wanted everything to stop

: and now

: im so confused

: same but I can't help not liking you

: don't be confused its your choice or not and i'm not asking for time

: just us

why am I so heartless

the more I talk about it

the more I am unsure about what to do. I'm going to miss it. Really.

I was so happy before

but I guess it has to end somewhere. And today might be the day. I know doing over the internet is ridiculously naive, but I just want to get it over with.

I really don't think I like you anymore and looking back, I don't know why I went along with it. Each time you joked that you didn't like me, it hurt. I took all the times you said it seriously even if I had slight feelings you were joking. I don't know why I gave you so many chances. I'm not even that kind of person. Now I look back and I wondered exactly why was I so infatuated?

Did I like the attention? Yes.

Did I like knowing that someone actually liked me and was open to share his feelings with me? Quite Possibly.

Did I like you? I did.

You did make me laugh and I enjoyed your spontaneity; it was nice telling someone problems that wasn't part of my circle of friends, but now I just.. I don't know. I can't believe my feelings for you evaporated in this "cold" winter air so suddenly. I thought things would get better after seeing you tomorrow, but all I felt was annoyed.

But I guess they're right, you are clingy, even if I won't admit it. I'm not a Destiny Child, and I can't cater 2 u... HAHA. That was a good one. But I guess you need more attention than I can give. I was so interested that I didn't even care that you had 10 "flings" so far in high school. It should've drawn a red flag, but nope, I didn't give a fuck because I "liked" you that much.

I need to end this soon. It's really getting too time-consuming.

sooooooooooo.

This is new.